Her joys must be as high as her sorrows are deep

This is a world of dreams and reverie, where I felt the stars explode around me. A grass blade flashed with a gleam as it slashed open a moonbeam, and I stared back breathlessly. As mountains of fruit tumbled out, I barely had the chance to shout; a lingonberry avalanche crashed over me.

I've just managed to untangle my gold chain necklace which has somehow twined itself into such an unforgiving knot that I gave up on trying to solve it since last november.
And now it looks pretty again, yayness. :D

My parents are outside in the living room lounging around, watching Babel on cable. Not one of those movies that I can appreciate, exactly.
My sister has disappeared.
Girls, when do you want to come over for the promised sleepover? Just so you know, my mom (sort of) gave the green light when I asked her this morning. So decide, and let me know, aite?

There is school tomorrow. Another week of pointless time-wastage.
Too bad my parents don't see it that way and won't let me quit school early. I don't think they understand that I actually have a life and friends and things I want to do before I jet off across the globe on June 5th. I really do feel like slapping them sometimes.

I have homework. I have tests coming up. I have projects and outlines due.
But I don't care.
I wish homework was homosexual so it would do itself.

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O hai. Tri speek in LOLCAT all dae on teh inturnet. It killz but iz full uf win. Bin tri-nah do it, n I iz not getting headek yet, iz srsly gud. Dey ar evun tri-nah trunslate teh Bible into LOLCAT, gud luck der, but iz preety cool, lemme show yu it:

So liek teh Ceiling Cat lieks teh ppl lots and he sez 'Oh hai I givez u me only kitteh and ifs u beleevs in him u wont evr diez no moar, k?' -John 3:16

Okays den. Kittehs, u keeps praysin da Ceiling Cat, and tells othar kittehs u frindz wit him. Dont furget! U gotta do niec tings fur othar kittehs, and share ur cheezburgers and stufz wit kittehz who have nun. Dis maeks Ceiling Cat real happys. -Hebrews 13:15-16

Da win, I tell yu, da win. 'Kay me sweetch bak nao tuh plain ol' englush, kthxbai.
You can all start praising the Lord now.
(Damn, its so fucking tiring okay, YOU try it.)

People, go to the Ikuta Toma livejournal community (http://community.livejournal.com/ikuta_toma/)
or directly to this livejournal user's page (http://iwritebadporn.livejournal.com/), and read the fanfiction titled "Nippon Ham Fighters".
It is awesome, no shit. Full of randomness plus black humour, and its kind of depressing and witty and harsh at the same time. Its this kind of random things that end up making my day.
But if you can't stand sensitive topics like (slight) homosexuality, gore and graphic descriptions of errr...other stuff that people below 18 shouldn't be reading then I suggest you don't bother. Just a small warning, not that I can be shitted.
And if you haven't already, familiarise yourself with a few of Johnny's boys first, in particular Ikuta Toma, Yamapi, HaseJun, Kanjani8, NEWS, others like that. It would help lessen confusion I suppose, what with all the japanese pop culture references.
At any rate, just go read it. (Adel, in particular. :D) That's some seriously good stuff.

I shall go have an afternoon nap now, haven't had enough sleep last night, thanks to the amazing Step Up, hurhurhur. Plus, I had to wake up early today to go for the 9 o'clock mass.
Whatever. Bonsoir.

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I caught The Forbidden Kingdom with Sarina today. :D
The movie wasn't that bad; I expected it to be shitty due to reviews I'd read in the papers, but it turned out fine. It was funny at any rate (plus there's Michael Angarano), good for when you have spare time on your hands, and there are fabulous fight sequences with Jackie Chan and Jet Li together. Too bad the others couldn't make it, but its okay, there's always next time yeah? Don't ps, haha.

Anyway, I am tired. Again.
School's a killer, seriously. People keep asking me why I still listen and take notes in class, or even bother to turn up in school at all, and I just go, "Oh err...force of habit?"
How witty. (Heh)
But really, I don't know why either. I suppose its because I've nothing else better to do, and I want to spent time with my friends. I shall miss them all so badly.
I want to quit school early, just to escape the projects and tests and homework, but I want to spend what little time I have left with my friends as well. Decisions, decisions.

I shall now go and scribble cryptic nonsense in the margins of my lecture notes.
(Abrupt endings are so awesome.)

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So that's it: most of them know now.
I planned to get through all the emo-ing and crying in one day flat, but obviously life's too much of a bitch to grant me even that small favour. Or maybe I just know too many people in school. In that case, wth.

ANYWAY, I shall spell it out clear as day for the world to know now:
MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS RELOCATING TO ENGLAND.

There. I thought I'd feel so much better after being able to say it out loud, but apparently not. Voicing the situation out is making everything so much more concrete, like its all set and irreversible. Plus, there's the emo-ness and crying I mentioned earlier. I totally shattered inside when I told my girls today; it took all I had to keep smiling and talking and answering questions. Every time I repeated it to another of my friends, I broke apart just that much more.
And, I am extremely obligated to get on my knees and apologise profusely to all my friends, Sarina and Bean in particular, for making them all so sad. I am such an idiot; should never have chosen the morning to break the news.
Sarina-chan: Gomen nasai. I really don't know what to say, except that I will miss you more than I can say. Also, sorry I can't make CosFest with you; I'd really wanted to see you in action. I promise to give you a hug everyday till I leave.
Bean: I will still be there for you, don't worry. I'm still your gah ze, you're still my sai mui. The only thing that's changed is that I won't be there to slap those bitches for you. But I'm sure you can handle them; you are my sai mui after all, hai um hai?
Oh, the daily hug goes out to all my girls of course, not just Sarina. (:

If it makes anyone feel better, Dad says that we are about 80% confirmed going. So there is always that other 20%. Keep that in mind eh?
For those people who I haven't informed yet, it's not because you're not important, far from it. It's just that either I couldn't get hold of you, or I really have no idea how to tell you.
(MF plus XinXin & co. all fall into the 2nd category)
But you all will know soon enough, I'll make sure.

I love you all, okay?
Honestly, I do.

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I have just finished reading Eclipse. (What did I say earlier about slacking?)
What can I say, I loved it, of course, it was awesome.
And it's surprising, but I think I've come to love Jacob Black more than Edward Cullen.
Yes, I'm weird, I know. I think it's my odd habit of liking characters that others usually don't kicking in again. So what if they say that Edward Cullen is every female's (and every gay man's) dream guy?
But, poor lovely Jacob. I have no idea what's going to happen to him, but let's hope he doesn't die of a broken heart over Bella, or I will hate her forever. I already kind of do, for her torturing everybody so much and still being so clueless about it. But at least she's waking up finally.

So maybe it is escapism after all.
I don't know. If it is, then all the more I want to end this section of my life as soon as possible. I am giving in to this supposed escapism, even though I know I shouldn't shy away. Give me 5 reasons why I should carry on with this.
No suggestions? There you go. It's all a facade of sorts anyway. If all goes smoothly, I don't even have to continue with what I'm doing now; it will all be over soon.
Should I, or should I not?
I am asking, but no one's answering. I am seeking, but no one's giving.

"The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."

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I shall just quit school okay? I'll grab the green form first thing on Monday.
All the stuff I have to face is killing me, driving me nuts.

Besides, now I know I'm doing it all for nothing anyway.

Will they slap me if they know?

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I am supposed to be doing my homework! I've got tons of it, and they're all piling up, wtf. But being the hopeless procrastinator that I am, I am aimlessly surfing the Net instead, and putting it off until the very last possible minute. I can totally predict what's going to happen tonight: after dinner, I shall continue to slack around, and at around 10:30 I'll start to panic about the stack of work staring at me.Then I'll frantically scribble nonsense while fighting the inevitable waves of sleepiness until I cannot stand it anymore, following which I'll just haphazardly toss everything into my file and hit the sack.
What a student, eh? I really have got to kick my habitual slacking.
No wonder I'm so bad in school. Heh.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore, hacked into Sarina's blog account, and made her a tagbox. Now I can spam it with my cyberbitchslapping. And I've deliberately turned off the profanity filter, that annoying shit. Sarina's being all emo about something she won't tell me about, but its okay because I can grill her tomorrow. :D
Adel's not even online or anywhere near her computer at all; she claims she's really busy, which I know is true, but she is also lazy, haha. Brenda, well, at least she updates and replies when I tag her. HweeTeng as well. Jelynn, I got zilch to say about her, that woman's blog has been dead since forever, and all she ever does when she switches on her computer is read celebrity tabloids and do homework anyway. And PeiShan, I can't even access her blog, it never loads up. (What's up with that, girl?)

Speaking of the girls, they shall know tomorrow; my mouth has been given the green light to finally unzip, thank god. I suppose I shall tell them all tomorrow.
I want to, and don't want to, both at the same time. How bullshit-y.

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I am so tired! Today was such a long day, and I officially hate thursdays (like I haven't been saying that since last year).

Okay, so first we had Biology. Lipids tutorial was due today, so I'd spent a long time last night rushing to finish it. Class itself was okay, not that bad, just that doing the tutorial itself was taxing. I haven't finished it yet anyway.
Plus, I still have an assignment and a project outline due next week! Damn.
Then it was PE, tiring of course. We ran 5 rounds altogether, and my timing wasn't that bad, yay. (: Ended up sweating like a pig with leaky sweat glands though, which is so freaking digusting.
And after that came MOB, where we had a test. A test that I didn't study for, unless you count the frantic flipping of notes during the break period right before class. Luckily it wasn't all that difficult and I still managed to bullshit quite a lot of points, haha.
That was followed by Literature. We were supposed to do a presentation on the poems assigned to each group, which we totally forgot about. In the end we just scribbled enough nonsense to fill up the mahjong paper and left it at that.
The last lesson was Geography; we finally got back our test papers. I received 12/18. Oh well. Could've been worse I suppose. But I was quite happy with the fact that I got full marks for my first question, heh.

I was already tired after school, but Jerrold dragged me to WestMall with Siva, Jahafar, Ama, Syaz, Shahrin, Shikin, Rini, Kirti, plus Danial and his girlfriend for a latelate lunch or early dinner. It was fun though, 10+ people sitting together and talking and laughing and eating and bullshitting at the same time. We basically just ruled the entire KFC, and brought the house down (with our noise level, ahem). Awesomeness, hahaa.

My eyes are tired, plus my entire being in general is sending in complaint letters.
I shall have to deal with it by hitting the sack and sleeping early. (Excuses, hah)

PS. Stupid Louis, I'm chatting with him, but he doesn't know who I am.
What kind of elder cousin is he??!

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15th of April, Year 2008 shall be remembered as the day when 08A3 officially lost their class chairperson.
Let's all observe a moment of silence for Rachel Lee Mei Yee.

...
Okay, what the hell, I'm making it sound like she died or something. Relax, nobody's dead. Its just that the woman has managed to land herself a scholarship to either LaSalle or NAFA (aw'right girl!), so she came back to school today to get the withdrawal form, and to bid us all goodbye. You shall be missed, Rach! Good luck in whichever college you get into, keep the YMCA spirit, yo. Hahaa, loves.

Today shall also be commemorated as the day when "Cat was even dumber than usual".
I ALMOST LOST MY PHONE, WTF.
And it was brand new alright? Not even a week old yet, plus it's a present from Dad. If I'd gotten it with my own cash, then whatever, I'll probably just cuss at everything for three days straight and then blame it on karma (I must've trodden on one too many ants).
I only realised it was missing during the 4th period for the day, in GP. So then I fucking freaked out and dragged Faisal with me to check our Bio classroom. No luck, but fortunately we found it under the desk I was sitting at for HT. *wipes sweat*
What the barnacles right? I can be such a hopeless spazz sometimes. So dumb!
Plus, I was seriously wigging out, so thankyou Faisal, you're a lifesaver! Hugs :D:D:D

We heard from another one! It seems like our chances are pretty high, although I still have no idea whether that's considered good or not. Shall see as time goes by. :)

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I thought it was already 2 plus in the morning because it was all quiet and dark out.
Then I looked at the clock, and it turned out to be only 10 minutes past midnight. TSK.

And I think it is most probable that we will be...yeap.
Urgh, being unable to say it out is so annoying. Its making me all emo and shit. Sometimes its cool though, being emo, because then your extensive range of vocabulary comes into play. But once again, I digress. Such a bad habit; yet ANOTHER thing to kick.

In any case, I think quite a few of my close friends have already sort of guessed where my frustrations are stemming from, and what I'm trying to get at. Its just that I didn't let on, so (maybe) they thought it was something else.
I am going to attempt the Jacob approach. (Twilight fans will know what I mean, you hear that Adel?) Since I'm not allowed to say it, I shall just have to make people guess it correctly.
Brenda and Prerna, so far you guys are the closest to the bullseye, just finetune it a little and you'll be spot-on. Not that anyone can actually do anything about it now, but still, its nice to have friends' support, and that's only possible if they know what's happening to me.
So there.

PS. I need retail therapy. Very very badly.

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Andandand.

I have just realised right after I hit the publish post button that

In the past month, I have contemplated suicide more times than all my previous years' worth added together. What does that say about me eh?

WHAT THE FUCK

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What is going to happen now? I don't even know what is happening to my life at this point.
I'm actually looking forward to school nowadays, which is totally freaky. But at least there I can talk and laugh and bullshit with all my friends, and feel appreciated and happy for once. At home, I'm just a depressed walking zombie. Sure, I talk with people and laugh at jokes and everything, but I don't really mean it.

Sometimes I'm thankful that my states of depression are not easily detectable.
People at school will wig out and be all concerned, which I don't exactly want to happen. I hate making my friends worried, even though I come across as someone who thrives on attention. My parents will probably try to psychoanalyse me and then sit me down for a huge nag, which doesn't help any of course, hell it just makes me even more depressed. I have no wish to be hauled off and scrutinised by a shrink.
If only they all knew what goes on inside my head, boy, I would likely be spending the rest of my pathetic life inside a padded cell.

I've just realised that everything I type is turning out to be extremely cynical and erratic and borderline psychotic. I'm backspacing like mad, ergo, you have a short post. And my thoughts are all inconsistent, though luckily not (yet) incoherent.
The pressure and shit is killing me, making me so nauseous. Plus I already have a headache somewhere in the left region of my skull. Maybe I do need some professional help after all. Because the alternative is that I'm pregnant, which is bullshit.

PS. Welcome back, Daddy!
And thankyou for the new phone, even though it just increases my headache frequency.
Love you anyway!

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Just when I thought the dust had settled down peacefully and all I needed to do was buck up and do my utmost, you guys drop this on me.
Just when I was succeeding in convincing myself that I can actually make it and do well, you guys shattered my carefully built walls of support.
Just when I started to mix in well and feel affection in my new lair, you guys try to pull me back into the confusion I had broken out of.
Just when I felt that life was not as complicated and fucked up as it seems, you guys come along and screw it all up again.

What is your problem?
Or maybe the problem lies with me?

It is a choice. A big choice. I probably sounded nonchalant, but that was because it hadn't sunk in yet. Now I'm like, "What the fuck is this?"

It sounds like you have a problem with your life, and you can't deal with it, so you come and drag me out of mine and off to somewhere else. You know I've wanted this since many years ago, and you know you could've made this decision sooner. But you didn't, because then you didn't exactly have a problem with your life; rather it was a fresh opportunity. Now that it didn't work out, you guys come and gang up and try to tug me off all of a sudden. This is called escapism okay? Just because your things didn't work out the way you want them to, you can't take it as an excuse to mess my things up as well. What is this, 'We live together and die together'? 'Misery loves company'?
Is that it?
And what makes me feel like slapping something repeatedly is you telling me what great sacrifices you'd have to endure just to make this possible for me and my sister. Did I ever force you to do this? Maybe I pressed on it before, but that was years ago, and ever since you told us we had to work for it ourselves, I hadn't really entertained any silly thoughts though the issue has been on my mind. I'd really resigned to it and told myself that in order to make it happen, I'll have to depend on my own abilities, the extent of which I know full well, however clueless I may seem. So now you come and tell me that you've suddenly decided to do this "for us" after all, and immediately we're to be spurred into action.
Why this? Why now?

Have you no idea that I feel horribly indebted? Have you no inkling of what I'm going through right now? Did you think it was easy for me to make this decision of staying on in MI and pursuing the A Level course? Have you ever asked who was the one who wanted me to do this, pushed me on, refused to let me give up or change route, who is the one I made this decision for?

I don't know anymore.
I thought I had it pretty much mapped out; ganbatte, ace the exams, persevere, and get the hell out of this place with a full nice-looking cert. Sounded okay, and I'd motivated myself, screwed myself up, and rose up to the challenge.
Now you drop this bomb on me, and I have no idea what to think anymore, much less what to do, what course of action to take. It IS something that I've wanted for ages, what I've been aiming for and striving to grasp. Now it seems like it is within my reach, but I don't know anymore. I don't quite dare to step up and hold onto it, for fear it might prove too slippery and get away. Now that you tell me this, my previous plans are all out the window, I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel, so what does that leave me with?

I am right back to where I started, it seems.
I hate feeling this helpless and empty. I need the strength to push on.
Plus, it is stupid and ironic, because I am now the furthest that I have ever felt with the one being that I should be seeking now - God.

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Then I'd be your harmony

Catharina.
I enjoy lie-ins, witty snark, scribbling cryptic notes on the back of old receipts, and dancing when I think nobody is looking.

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I'm only a girl trying to find my place in this world.

Beneath the candy coated clouds

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