Just when I thought the dust had settled down peacefully and all I needed to do was buck up and do my utmost, you guys drop this on me.
Just when I was succeeding in convincing myself that I can actually make it and do well, you guys shattered my carefully built walls of support.
Just when I started to mix in well and feel affection in my new lair, you guys try to pull me back into the confusion I had broken out of.
Just when I felt that life was not as complicated and fucked up as it seems, you guys come along and screw it all up again.
What is your problem?
Or maybe the problem lies with me?
It is a choice. A big choice. I probably sounded nonchalant, but that was because it hadn't sunk in yet. Now I'm like, "What the fuck is this?"
It sounds like you have a problem with your life, and you can't deal with it, so you come and drag me out of mine and off to somewhere else. You know I've wanted this since many years ago, and you know you could've made this decision sooner. But you didn't, because then you didn't exactly have a problem with your life; rather it was a fresh opportunity. Now that it didn't work out, you guys come and gang up and try to tug me off all of a sudden. This is called escapism okay? Just because your things didn't work out the way you want them to, you can't take it as an excuse to mess my things up as well. What is this, 'We live together and die together'? 'Misery loves company'?
Is that it?
And what makes me feel like slapping something repeatedly is you telling me what great sacrifices you'd have to endure just to make this possible for me and my sister. Did I ever force you to do this? Maybe I pressed on it before, but that was years ago, and ever since you told us we had to work for it ourselves, I hadn't really entertained any silly thoughts though the issue has been on my mind. I'd really resigned to it and told myself that in order to make it happen, I'll have to depend on my own abilities, the extent of which I know full well, however clueless I may seem. So now you come and tell me that you've suddenly decided to do this "for us" after all, and immediately we're to be spurred into action.
Why this? Why now?
Have you no idea that I feel horribly indebted? Have you no inkling of what I'm going through right now? Did you think it was easy for me to make this decision of staying on in MI and pursuing the A Level course? Have you ever asked who was the one who wanted me to do this, pushed me on, refused to let me give up or change route, who is the one I made this decision for?
I don't know anymore.
I thought I had it pretty much mapped out; ganbatte, ace the exams, persevere, and get the hell out of this place with a full nice-looking cert. Sounded okay, and I'd motivated myself, screwed myself up, and rose up to the challenge.
Now you drop this bomb on me, and I have no idea what to think anymore, much less what to do, what course of action to take. It IS something that I've wanted for ages, what I've been aiming for and striving to grasp. Now it seems like it is within my reach, but I don't know anymore. I don't quite dare to step up and hold onto it, for fear it might prove too slippery and get away. Now that you tell me this, my previous plans are all out the window, I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel, so what does that leave me with?
I am right back to where I started, it seems.
I hate feeling this helpless and empty. I need the strength to push on.
Plus, it is stupid and ironic, because I am now the furthest that I have ever felt with the one being that I should be seeking now - God.
title: Emptiness
Friday, 4 April 2008 AT 3:59 pm
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