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LINGON
BERRY
AVAL
ANCHE
This is a world of dreams and reverie, where I felt the stars explode around me. A grass blade flashed with a gleam as it slashed open a moonbeam, and I stared back breathlessly. As mountains of fruit tumbled out, I barely had the chance to shout; a lingonberry avalanche crashed over me.
.

title: everydayeverynight
Saturday, 26 December 2009 AT 6:00 pm


http://mrsjosegoldbloom.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/scared_teddy.jpg

Last day to pass till I'm twenty.

So I found these errr support groups online for people who have a phobia of their twentieth birthdays. Guess I can't have been the only one huh. I suppose it doesn't really make sense to most people for me to say that I've been scared of birthdays ever since I turned nineteen last year. They'd likely slap me upside the head, tell me that "life starts at twenty-one", and send me away with an order to enjoy youth.

Whatever, I'm still apprehensive. I don't think I've accomplished anything worthwhile at all during my teenage years. Been through quite a lot of shit, yes, but actually do stuff worth mentioning in a bucket list, nope don't think so. And it really saddens me. What makes it even sadder is that if I had the chance to do it over again, I reckon I might not have enough strength and determination to face it all one more time. Who said that you get stronger as you grow? I think its the opposite for me; I'm on the brink of having existed for two decades now, but I feel weaker than ever. I've never had so many emotional battles with myself before, never had to second-think my decisions so much before, never felt such dissatisfaction with my life before. To be perfectly honest (and only because nobody really reads this blog for real anymore), I've never contemplated suicide more in a single year before either. I've even gone so far as to plan ending everything on my twentieth as well. Yeah I know I'm a melodramatic little shit.

& I'm not trying to sound like a whiny tween fucktard either, but life really is crap atm. College, friends, family, love, the future; I have no idea why things look so bleak. (tapping on Blake ideas) Is it because I'm losing Innocence and gaining Experience instead? Either way I look at things, it feels like I'm fucked. Who's going to tell me what I should do? Maybe they're right and I do need professional help after all.

Urgh shup Cat, I hate sounding so emo because people will only think its fake and that you're trying to attract attention and whatnot. I just read the entire post back and even I think it sounds fake. Only its not. Wtf why am I even attempting to explain things? D:<

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